Nasser Hussain “a virtual shut-in” after over-analysing door opening technique

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Nasser Hussain, Sky Sports

Essex, England – Concern is growing that former England cricket captain Nasser Hussain is suffering from a rare form of sporting ‘yips’ that have left him almost housebound.

Since retiring from the professional game, Hussain has forged a second career in broadcast media, where his detailed analysis of batting techniques have attempted to establish that no modern player is capable of scoring runs on any pitch, against any bowling attack, in any match situation. It’s believed that Hussain, who has been missing from the Sky Sports commentary box since the end of the English season, has been unable to leave home after turning his hypercritical eye for biomechanics onto his own ability to open and close doors.

According to a source within the Sky Sports production team, “Each year we make a ‘blooper reel’ with all the summer’s commentary box mistakes. Nasser became obsessed with one particular clip of him stubbing his toe on the door to the storeroom where we keep Bob Willis in suspended animation during daylight hours. He kept watching the footage over and over again. Asking our technical staff for close ups on the way he gripped the door handle and slow-motion replays of his foot movement. He became convinced that the heavier domestic doors he had to open at home were too slow to prepare him for the much faster, lightweight doors you encounter in an international media centre.”

“He was so fixated with the mechanics of what he was doing that he started to suffer from paralysis whenever he saw a door handle. It was like watching a rabbit caught in the glare coming off Shane Warne’s teeth.”

“We’ve tried working around the problem by wheeling him in and out of the studio on a luggage trolley similar to the one they used to transport Hannibal Lecter in the Silence of the Lambs. But all he does is complain that it’s the worst idea anyone’s ever had, which is a little hard to take from the guy who put Australia in to bat at the Gabba in 2002.”

Whilst no official statement has yet been made by Sky Sports, it’s understood Hussain is currently working on video analysis of Don Bradman’s famous 334 at Headingley in 1930 which shows his runs were scored using a series of technically imprecise leg-side prods which wouldn’t have been possible if England had fielded a faster opening bowler than Harold Larwood.

Hussain himself could not be contacted at the time of writing, presumably as he’d left his phone in another room.

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Sarah Taylor unprepared for the “intense media indifference towards county cricket”

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County Cricket, Cricket, Nick Knight, Sarah Taylor

Hove, England – International women cricketers are not ready to face the level of media apathy experienced in the county game, that’s the controversial claim being made by Sports PR Consultant, Charles Kilburn.

Kilburn’s comments come after it was revealed that England wicketkeeper, Sarah Taylor, has been in talks with Sussex over representing them in this summer’s second eleven championship, a competition renowned for negligible press coverage.

“Sarah’s time in the England women’s set-up has given her a solid grounding in being ignored by sports media, but she’ll find there’s a huge step-up to the level of overwhelming indifference you get when playing for a county second eleven” explained Kilburn, “Experiencing frustration at having your international sporting triumphs reduced to a three paragraph summation next to the dog racing results is one thing, but it’s nothing compared to the bleak ennui created by a deserted press box at Bishop Stortford.”

Sussex head of coaching, Mark Robinson, acknowledges the problems faced by Taylor but believes a suitable training program can be put into place to overcome them.

“It’s true that mankind knows no greater feeling of isolation than a failed Google news search for your name. With that in mind we’ve arranged a series of meetings with Nick Knight where he’ll talk to Sarah about his experiences as a Sky Sports commentator. If that doesn’t prepare her for the feeling of being completely ignored, I don’t know what will.”

Mistake to use Tarantino as guest director of Big Bash coverage admit Fox Sports

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Australia, Big Bash League, Cricket, Marlon Samuels, Shane Warne

Melbourne, Australia – In the aftermath of a Big Bash Melbourne derby that filled the air with four-letter words and flying bats, host broadcasters, Fox Sports, have admitted that guest director of their match coverage, Hollywood auteur Quentin Tarantino, may have created “the wrong on-set atmosphere”.

Tarantino, 49, is currently in Australia to promote his latest film Django Unchained and had agreed to take charge of Fox Sports’ coverage as “an opportunity to pay tribute to cult exploitation cricket of the 1970’s”, thought to be a reference to Kerry Packer’s World Series.

The recruitment of one of cinema’s biggest names had been seen as a coup for organisers of the Big Bash League but a series of escalating on-field confrontations between Melbourne Renegades overseas player, Marlon Samuels and Melbourne Stars captain, Shane Warne, quickly raised questions about the influence Tarantino had had over the two teams.

“Management started to become nervous when Tarantino was caught trying to smuggle a samurai sword into the Renegades dressing room,” explained a source within the Fox Sports production team, “then there was the way the players were talking. They were still discussing completely inane subjects but doing it in a far more entertaining way, like they were all channelling someone much more intelligent. It soon became obvious that Tarantino had been giving them all notes for their match performance. You could see his influence as soon as the game began, I mean, I’ve never heard the n-word used that often at a coin-toss before, not even on the old rebel tours of South Africa.”

With both Fox Sports and Cricket Australia receiving a record number of complaints, a disciplinary hearing into the actions of Samuels and Warne is due to be held on Monday. Quentin Tarantino is not expected to attend.

As for the match itself, it was described by Herald Sun film critic, Doug Thompson, as “a series of highly enjoyable set-pieces which didn’t quite fit together to form a satisfying whole. In many ways, typical of both Tarantino and Warne’s recent work.”

Pitch report condemns Kallis toupee as “flat and lifeless”

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Cricket, Jacques Kallis, South Africa

Cape Town, South Africa – SuperSport, host broadcasters for New Zealand’s current tour of South Africa, have been forced to issue an apology after beginning today’s coverage of the first test from Cape Town by mistakenly airing a spoof pitch report on the condition of Jacques Kaillis’ toupee.

Viewers tuning in before start of play on day two expecting to see an examination of pitch conditions were instead confronted by a description of Kaillis’ hairpiece as “flat, straw coloured, showing early signs of wear but too unyielding to allow car keys to be pushed into its surface.”

The report, fronted by former Zimbabwe international, Pommie Mbangwa, is understood to have originally formed part of an internal tape of outtakes and comedy skits that is produced by members of SuperSport’s production staff each Christmas. An investigation has subsequently been launched into how the fake report, which was never intended for broadcast, ended up being shown to an estimated 1.2 million viewers.

“We’d like to apologise unreservedly to Jacques Kallis,” said a spokesman for Supersport, “and would like to assure him that this is the only time anyone at our organisation has ever used exaggerated air quotes when mentioning his hair.”

Play on day three of the Cape Town test is due to start tomorrow at 10:30 am local time. When asked whether their coverage would include a detailed pitch report, SuperSport would only comment, “we’ll probably just say everything looks 100% natural looking and leave it at that.”

NHS warn diabetics to avoid “any Mark Nicholas tribute to Sachin Tendulkar”

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Cricket, Mark Nicholas, Sachin Tendulkar

London, England – Britain’s National Health Service has today issued an emergency warning to the country’s estimated 2.5 million sufferers of diabetes following concerns that the recent retirement of Sachin Tendulkar from one day international cricket could lead Mark Nicholas to write tributes containing “life threatening levels of saccharine”.

The Australian based English broadcaster is renowned for his hyperbole-tinged cricket commentaries and flowery tributes to the games greats, but it’s feared that any article he would write about the retirement of Indian batting colossus, Sachin Tendulkar, could be so sugery-sweet as to be a danger to diabetics.

The country-wide warning comes just six months after the NHS had to issue emergency supplies of blood pressure medicine to Derbyshire GP’s following a critical article by Nicholas about the standard of their local county cricket team.

“Frankly the man is a menace to public health,“ commented NHS spokesman, Nick Taylor, “he’s either causing the chronically ill’s blood to boil or sending their blood-sugar levels through the roof.”

When asked to comment, CricInfo, who publish a regular column by Nicholas, said that in future his articles would be accompanied with a link to appropriate medical advice on the NHS Direct website.

Steven Hawking: Mayans miscalculated by 8 years, 2020 is actual end of civilisation

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Apocalypse, Cricket, Mayans, MCC, Steven Hawking

Cambridge, England – In an interview with New Scientist magazine, world renowned theoretical physicist, Steven Hawking, has claimed the Mayan Calendar’s apocalyptic end date of 2012 is based on flawed calculations.

Hawking, a former Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, has long been a critic of the pseudoscience surrounding doomsday predictions, and in the case of claims that the Mayan Calendar points to the world ending on today’s date, he believes a simple mathematical error has been made.

“In many ways the Mayan’s were ahead of their time,” Hawking is quoted as saying, “but in others they were a little too clever for their own good. In this instance they made the mistake of double counting bank holidays, meaning their calendar isn’t due to run out for a further eight years. People should actually be worrying about 2020, that’s the real end of the civilised world.”

Hawking, an honorary life member of the MCC, goes on to explain that his realisation about the threat of 2020 came whist attending this summer’s Lord’s test against South Africa.

“I was watching Hashim Amla play a wonderful five hour match winning innings when it suddenly struck me that 2020 was the end of civilisation as I know it. Although, admittedly, my mind was already contemplating the dark path our society has taken after being charged £8.40 for a pint and hotdog at the refreshments stall behind the Lord’s Grand Stand.”

A spokesman for the Mayans was unavailable for comment, their civilisation having been conquered by the Spanish during the 17^th century.

The latest edition of Professor Hawkings’ memoirs Event Horizon: Why One Day Internationals make we want to put my head inside a Black Hole is currently available in hardback, RRP £17.99.

Twenty20 fans convinced Nagpur Test being broadcast in Super Slo-Mo

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Cricket, England, India

Nagpur, India – Following a day of attritional test cricket during which England scored a mere 199 runs in 97 overs of play, host broadcaster, ESPN Star, was forced to issue confirmation that their footage had been broadcast at the correct speed.

Earlier in the day, the Indian based media giant had found itself inundated with complaints from viewers convinced that coverage of the match was being erroneously broadcast from the Super Slow-Motion cameras normally reserved for replays of contentious umpiring decisions.

“We had no option but to issue a clarification,” explained a spokesman for ESPN Star, “Some of our more inexperienced viewers, new to cricket since the introduction of Twenty20, appear to have confused slow play and footage broadcast at the incorrect frame rate.”

Incensed Twenty20 fan, Amkit Singh, was one of those who complained.

“The play was ridiculously slow. There were so few boundaries. I don’t think I saw the dancing girls perform once all day. And sixteen overs bowled in the hour but only four ad breaks in that time? How are you supposed to stay focused when all they show you is cricket? I had to keep switching across to the 24 hour shopping channel to convince myself I was watching the game I’ve recently discovered I love.”

ESPN Star remained unapologetic, however:

“We have no control over how the test is played. So it’s not our fault if viewers feel the match is dragging, although we will admit that Ravi Shastri’s commentary might be a contributory factor.”

Channel 9 apologise after experimental DroneCam crashes into wedding reception

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Australia, Channel 9, Cricket

Perth, Australia – Australian broadcasting giant, Channel 9, have been forced into making a formal apology to the National Assembly of Afghanistan after an experimental ‘DroneCam’, used as part of their coverage of the third test at Perth, crashed into a wedding reception being held at a nearby Afghani cultural centre.

Whilst the drone caused limited damage – overturning a finger buffet and destroying the amplifier of a state-of-the-art karaoke system – it’s the presence as guest of honour by the Afghanistan ambassador to Australia, Amb Andisha, which has caused an international incident.

“We can’t apologise enough for what has happened, “ stressed Channel 9 spokesman, Bob Philtrum, “at Channel 9 we’ve always regarded ourselves as at the forefront of innovative cricket coverage, but purchasing a first generation de-weaponised drone from the US military just to give us a new camera angle may, in retrospect, have been a step too far.”

It’s understood that whilst the drone’s black-box flight recorder has already been recovered from underneath a pile of ruined canapés, analysis of its contents has yet to reveal the cause of the crash.

“At the time we lost control over it, the drone was being used as part of our morning pitch report to identify areas that should be targeted for attack, “ explained Mr Philtrum, “we’re currently working on the assumption that it went into some kind of pre-programmed default mode as soon as it it made visual contact with the Afghani wedding party.”

Whilst the Afghanistan Embassy in Canberra declined to comment on the incident, local resident Jeff Shaw explained what he saw on the day.

“I was in my garden whilst the wedding reception was being held and I noticed the guests became agitated as soon as the drone started to circle. But then I know from visiting the centre when it first opened that attending a wedding reception that’s being buzzed by an unmanned drone is considered an exceedingly bad omen in Afghani culture.”

A spokesman for the Perth Afghani Cultural Centre confirmed it will be open as usual on Monday and that Channel 9 had contacted them with reassurances that ‘DroneCam’ would no longer be part of their cricket coverage.

“Channel 9 has been profuse with their apologies, for which we’re grateful, but we’ve had to decline the offer of a personal visit by their commentary team as our staff is already traumatised. Although I suppose the one good thing to come out of this incident is that the centre’s aim, to educate Australians as to the realities of day-to-day life in Afghanistan, has been fully realised.”

New Zealand disappointment as test victory fails to incite ill-informed Piers Morgan rant

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Cricket, New Zealand, Piers Morgan

Columbo, Sri Lanka – New Zealand elation at today’s 167 run test victory in Columbo was tempered with disappointment after their success received so little coverage in mainstream media that it even failed to incite an ill-informed posturing tweet from celebrity sports opinion volcano, Piers Morgan.

New Zealand’s win was their first in Sri Lanka for fourteen years and levels the current series 1-1, yet had the misfortune of being played at the same time as a high profile India/England series and the shoot out to be number one ranked test nation currently being fought between Australia and South Africa.

New Zealand media manager, Clive Antler, explained further:

“Firstly, thanks for the call, you’re the only person I’ve spoken to all day. I was beginning to think my phone was on the blink. And that should give you an idea of our problem. There’s so much cricket being played at the moment we’ve kind of been overlooked. Even Piers Morgan isn’t talking about us and normally that guy will tweet claptrap about two flies climbing a wall or even a snooker match. In fact we’ve become so low-profile I can’t remember the last time he had an ill-tempered, not-at-home-to-the-facts rant about us.”

ThatCricketBlog asked sports PR expert, Neil Reid, if he had any advice to help New Zealand cricket:

“Other than becoming a much more interesting sports nation, their best bet is for one of the players to strike up a pretend twitter friendship with Morgan. Flatter him a bit by not calling him an idiot like everyone else does on Twitter.”

However, New Zealand’s under-employed media manager was unimpressed with Neil’s suggestion.

“Not even Jesse Ryder has ever been drunk enough to agree to that. I think he’d rather put his hand through a glass window again.”

 

New Zealand’s next tour is to South Africa in December. Piers Morgan is currently arguing on Twitter about Astroturf. Probably.

Fears grow for dozens of missing Indian Cricinfo comment trolls

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Cricinfo, Cricket

Internet News – Police cyber-detectives continued to search the internet today as fears grow for the safety of dozens of comment trolls who have been missing from Cricinfo articles ever since India’s demoralizing ten wicket defeat in Mumbai on Monday.

The trolls last known whereabouts are a series of articles posted after the first day’s play at Mumbai when they left a number of disparaging comments about England’s ability to play spin bowling. Since then there has been an ominous cyber silence.

“Obviously, everyone is mildly concerned for their safety, “ confirmed Interpol spokesman, Steve Jackson, “if one of them could just return to Cricinfo and make a quick snarky reference to England players born in South Africa we’d know they were still alive and as obnoxious as ever.”

Meanwhile, comment trolls from outside India have formed a support group for their missing counterparts.

“To be honest we’re not doing anything constructive to help, “ explained English comment troll fatgat47, “we’re just thinking up ways to take the piss out of them when they return to Cricinfo. It’s what they’d want us to do.”