Nasser Hussain “a virtual shut-in” after over-analysing door opening technique

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Nasser

Essex, England – Concern is growing that former England cricket captain Nasser Hussain is suffering from a rare form of sporting ‘yips’ that have left him almost housebound.

Since retiring from the professional game, Hussain has forged a second career in broadcast media, where his detailed analysis of batting techniques have attempted to establish that no modern player is capable of scoring runs on any pitch, against any bowling attack, in any match situation. It’s believed that Hussain, who has been missing from the Sky Sports commentary box since the end of the English season, has been unable to leave home after turning his hypercritical eye for biomechanics onto his own ability to open and close doors.

According to a source within the Sky Sports production team, “Each year we make a ‘blooper reel’ with all the summer’s commentary box mistakes. Nasser became obsessed with one particular clip of him stubbing his toe on the door to the storeroom where we keep Bob Willis in suspended animation during daylight hours. He kept watching the footage over and over again. Asking our technical staff for close ups on the way he gripped the door handle and slow-motion replays of his foot movement. He became convinced that the heavier domestic doors he had to open at home were too slow to prepare him for the much faster, lightweight doors you encounter in an international media centre.”

“He was so fixated with the mechanics of what he was doing that he started to suffer from paralysis whenever he saw a door handle. It was like watching a rabbit caught in the glare coming off Shane Warne’s teeth.”

“We’ve tried working around the problem by wheeling him in and out of the studio on a luggage trolley similar to the one they used to transport Hannibal Lecter in the Silence of the Lambs. But all he does is complain that it’s the worst idea anyone’s ever had, which is a little hard to take from the guy who put Australia in to bat at the Gabba in 2002.”

Whilst no official statement has yet been made by Sky Sports, it’s understood Hussain is currently working on video analysis of Don Bradman’s famous 334 at Headingley in 1930 which shows his runs were scored using a series of technically imprecise leg-side prods which wouldn’t have been possible if England had fielded a faster opening bowler than Harold Larwood.

Hussain himself could not be contacted at the time of writing, presumably as he’d left his phone in another room.

Geoff Boycott, Art Critic

Boycott_Art_Critic

Mona_Lisa

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Mona Lisa

by Leonardo da Vinci

“Call that a smile? I wouldn’t call it a taxi…and look at the gap between those eyes, you could get a bus between ‘em, “

 

 

Pollack

 

Full Fathom Five

by Jackson Pollock

“…terrible technique, just one lazy stroke after another…”

 

 

Realitivity

 

Relativity

By M. C. Escher

“…looks nowt like the steps up to the Oval dressing rooms…”

 

Venus De Milo

 

 

Venus de Milo

By Alexandros of Antioch

“…how the hell are you supposed to put your pads on without arms?…other than that, not bad…”
Raft of the Medusa

 

 

 

Raft of the Medusa

By Théodore Géricault

“…call this a bleak representation of human misery, try attending a Yorkshire committee meeting…”
Big Heads

 

 

 

Big Heads

By Pablo Picasso

“Is that hand growing out of his neck or just floating in mid air? Either way, any umpire worth his salt will no ball you for an action like that”

artballing

 

 

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Untitled

By Michael Vaughan

 “…who’s this by? Vaughan? Never heard of him. Welsh lad is he?…”

 

 

 

Next time on Geoff Boycott, Art Critic: Why the impressionists were “just a bunch of chancers who couldn’t colour between the lines” and what Van Gogh’s Sunflowers tells us about his potential as a limited overs death bowler

Reasons given for England’s World Cup 2015 humiliation

World Cup 2015

  • Under prepared
  • Over prepared
  • Batsmen particularly vulnerable during first 50 overs of innings
  • Players unsettled when bowling machine became only member of squad to pass Turning Test
  • “Ex Soviet Bloc countries always vote for each other” – Paul Downton
  • Wasted too many referrals on dropped catches
  • Other teams kept hitting the ball too hard
  • Tinted sun glasses were tinted on the inside
  • Without Kevin Pietersen team was missing an experienced middle-order scapegoat

And the main reason:

  • In the middle of “an unsettling 40 year rebuilding phase”

ICC – World Police

ICCPOLICETWO

The ICC, fuck yeah!
Really polite, but completely ineffectual,
The ICC, fuck yeah!
Almost make the ECB look intellectual.
 
Match fixers your game is through,
Cause now you have to answer too,
 
The ICC, fuck yeah!
You’ll have to oil their bat and shine up their balls,
The ICC, fuck yeah!
But only if you want to, they won’t make you, at all.
 
The ICC, fuck yeah!
Don’t want to take the pitch? Then let’s call it a draw, yeah!
The ICC, fuck yeah!
They’ll offer gardening leave to Daryll Hair, yeah!
 
Compromise is the thing they do,
Cause they just haven’t got a fucking clue.
 
The ICC, fuck yeah!
Selling overpriced hospitality, to corporate suckers,
The ICC, fuck yeah!
Only moved to Dubai, cause it’s full of Russian hookers.
 
The ICC, fuck yeah!
Etc, etc, etc…
 
(continues for further 17 verses)

Driving Ambition by Andrew Strauss

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In this first extract from his autobiography, Driving Ambition, Andrew Strauss looks back at last year’s ‘textgate’ saga.

It’s no secret that the recent success of England has been built on the solid foundations of effective man-management and team discipline. We select players who slot effortlessly into that team ethos, so that we form an impenetrable wall that allows in nothing that could disrupt our preparation and allows out nothing that the press could find remotely interesting.

I’d been aware for some time that KP was struggling with the demands of not being newsworthy but I was still unprepared when allegations were made that he had sent defamatory text messages about me to members of the South African team.

I felt shocked and betrayed by the content of one of the texts in particular.

ENG SHOULD DECLARE & SET UP GAME TO ENTERTAIN CROWD. YOLO!

It was only then that I realised how isolated Kevin had become. How out of step he was with the ethos of Team England. Entertain the crowd? Who did he think we were, the Harlem Globetrotters?

In our next extract from Driving Ambition: Chapter 12 – Educating Yorkshire, The England captain’s failed attempt to school Tim Bresnan in Received Pronunciation.