(Reproduced by kind permission of North Korean GQ)
It should come as no surprise that I am a great admirer of that most venerable sporting institution, The Marylebone Cricket Club. With their labyrinthine organisational structure, strict dress code and ability to create laws within unelected committees, they remain a powerful model for the modern Stalinist state. In addition, their headquarters are situated in central London, meaning that after a day at the test match enjoying some cultured stroke making and broad brush planning of how to destabilise South Korea, you’re just a short journey from the centre of power of the Great European Satan, as well as an evening performance of Billy Elliot or Mamma Mia.
Mine has been a long and enjoyable relationship with the Home of Cricket. My dear departed father and I having been MCC members ever since their former president Peter May inadvertently drifted into North Korean territorial waters in his yacht, Tiger Lilly, back in 1992. I can remember as if it was yesterday the moment we persuaded Mr May to bump us up the waiting list. There was a hint of tears welling in his eyes when the agreement was made. The Supreme Leader’s eyes I mean – Mr May had a bag over his head at the time so I’m unsure of his emotional state, although I’m willing to guess at ‘concerned about the assembled firing squad’.
Ever since that day, we became regular visitors to St John’s Wood during the English summer. A familiar sight to the Lord’s gatemen with our panama hats, MCC red & yellow striped ties and hail-fellow-well-met ‘Death to America!’ greeting.
We became ardent admirers of all that Lord’s had to offer: the relaxed atmosphere of the Harris Garden, the high quality teas served in the pavilion and in particular the Nursery Ground with its ample space from which to launch a medium-range missile strike on the International Criminal Court at The Hague.
The Supreme Leader has since passed on to the great tractor factory in the sky and any spare time I had for visits to Lord’s has been cut short by the need to fully itemise the 20,000 strong film collection he left me in his will – this is proving a difficult task as he used very small hand writing on the labels and has mixed up the ‘Hollywood Musicals’ and ‘Homemade torture footage’ categories.
However I will be returning to Lord’s for the Yorkshire Bank final in three weeks time. I’m looking forward to meeting up with fellow members to watch one last game of the summer as well as to convince the MCC committee to include a painting of my father in the Long Room. It seems appropriate that the Supreme Leader should find a space in there after the oil painting of Shane Warne that was added in 2005 was so clearly influenced by North Korea’s cult of personality.
I understand that the committee may take some persuading in this matter, but, as their former president Mr May found out, that is something at which North Korea tops the rankings.
Death to the enemies of the enemies of democracy!