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  • Allowed to wear pirate hat to any damn press conference he wants
  • Chris Adams not allowed to refer to him as ‘Plan C’
  • Gets to sit at back of team coach with ‘cool’ players
  • Surrey to start signing ‘cool’ players
  • Up Surrey bowling attack’s SouthAfricaness from 40 to 80%
  • Win with the men’s team, celebrate with the women’s!
  • ECB not allowed to ‘rest’ him in County Championship games
  • Or call him up into Lions squad
  • Can call Chris Tremlett ‘Morne’ whenever he gets homesick and confused
  • Yeah, a veto over KP’s texts is pretty much a given, right?