England Rider for the Tour of Indian Oct ’12 to Jan ’13.
Requirements for England Squad during each of the tour matches (itinerary on separate sheet).
Copy to relevant Indian regional cricket associations.
Hotel to Five Star standard. Facilities must include 25m swimming pool, fully equipped gym and at least THREE coin operated children’s rides. Disney or Toy Story themed if possible. (The Teletubbie mini-carousel provided during last year’s World Cup was UNACCEPTABLE)
EIGHT double rooms with access to high speed Wi-Fi. THIS MUST BE AVAILABLE 24/7 (Steven Finn’s Black Ops online squad leader lives in Bucharest and Steve needs the flexibility to work round a 3 hour time difference to Romania and Captain Petrescu’s homework commitments)
ONE single room on different floor of hotel – Must be UNABLE to receive mobile network signal
Please Note: There is no longer a need to disguise hotel bidets as plant pots. Squad members from northern counties were pulled out of last year’s championship to be brought fully up to speed with modern plumbing at the Loughborough University Large Primate Behavioural Science Laboratory
ONE air-conditioned tour bus to seat a squad of SIXTEEN + THREE DOZEN (36) support staff
ONE tuk-tuk large enough to accommodate a 6 ft 4 batsman in relative comfort
FIVE practise strips. Pitch conditions as per match wicket.
TEN net bowlers to replicate the Indian attack. Made up of:
EIGHT of your best young spinners. English speakers only as they’ll be required to indicate delivery type after they release the ball (our batsmen aren’t mind-readers!)
TWO medium pacers. Quality unimportant.
At least SEVENTEEN changing spaces, ONE of which must have room for additional wicketkeeping equipment, be decorated in calming pastel shades and be at least ten metres from the nearest window
ONE large Black & White print of Tony Curtis and Roger Moore in The Persuaders (THIS IS NONE NEGOTIABLE)
For each day of play
THIRTY FOUR 2-litre bottles of purified water
SEVENTEEN Lunch break meals. Food must be traditional British fare i.e. Shepherd’s Pie, Steak & Chips, Tesco microwave Chicken Tikka Masala. NO FOREIGN FOOD PLEASE.
THIRTY TWO rolls of SOFT toilet paper + THREE medium sized sea shells (Swanny’s been ‘experimenting’ ever since seeing Demolition Man)
For final day of each Test (DAY THREE) access to a therapist specialising in post-traumatic stress
Any questions, please contact Andy at email@example.com