CERN, Switzerland – With mankind’s quest for the Higgs boson elementary particle reaching its dénouement, one man’s search for the equally elusive ‘nick behind to second slip’ looks set to enter a new phase. As whilst the scientific community celebrated today’s announcement that CERN have discovered the so called ‘God particle’, attention in the cricket world will focus on news that spare capacity has now become available at the Large Hadron Collider to help Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson, identify where to find the edge of a cricket bat.
It’s understood that work has already begun on fitting the latest Hawkeye technology into CERN’s giant ATLAS detector, enabling it to monitor balls fired at over 90mph towards a cricket bat suspended from the tunnel ceiling. However, according to director of CERN, Rolf-Dieter Heuer, it could take some time for results to be achieved.
“We’ve had to recalibrate our particle accelerator to not only propel cricket balls but to do so in a manner that accurately reflects Mitchell’s bowling, “explained Heuer, “But unfortunately the detection mechanism at the heart of ATLAS is only 1.2 meters in radius. So as you can imagine, we’ll have to repeat the experiment thousands of times to get just a handful of measurable results and even then the vast majority of those will either sail harmlessly past the edge of the bat or rebound forcibly from its middle. Frankly, this could be a tougher challenge than finding the Higgs boson.”
When asked to comment, Australian coach Mickey Arthur was dismissive of the proposed tests.
“This is the first I’ve heard about Mitch seeking help from CERN. From memory his percentage of dismissals caught behind is roughly the same as every other bowler. I don’t see the point.”
In related news, the BCCI are refusing to recognise the existence of the Higgs boson after learning today’s results from CERN only have a 99.9999% degree of scientific certainty.
“The only way to detect sub-atomic particles is to fire them at close to the speed of light in front of an experienced umpire, “asserted BCCI President, Narayanaswami Srinivasan, “As far as we’re concerned, if Aleem Dar can’t see it, it didn’t happen.”