Hello, most fragrant sir. My name is Nelson Osei and I write to you today in my capacitie as Chairmans of North North North East Lagos Cricket Club.
Dearest Geoffrey, you find us in most troublesome times. We are approaching a match of utmost solemnity against our bitter rivals for the Nigerian cricket league title, North North North West Lagos Cricket Club. I hate them so much!
Please be known to you that since the sad death or our kind benefactor, Mr Quentin Uromi – peace be to him and his numerous widows – our clubs ground keeping equipment has been secured in a safe deposit room at the Nigerian Central Bank. Without it the grass on our square grows long like the beard on a goat!
Please, kind sir, if you could find it in your heart to forward us $750 we will be able to liberate our equipments. We will endeavor to pay you back with moneys from the match day sale of sandwiches made from delicious sliced cucumbers and eggs which have been mayonnaised in the English manner.
If you could kindly send your bank account details by return of email we will undertake the necessary transactions without need to trouble you more.
Kind blessings to you and your fellow Yorkshire philanthropists, Mr Jimmy Saville and Mr Eric Pickles, for your generous hearts.
If you can’t play with a bit of grass on the square you don’t deserve to win your league. What the hell do you think the pitches were like when I played at Barnsley? The grass was so long in one game a Japanese Infantryman appeared out of it at short mid-wicket and surrendered to Dickie Bird.
As for lending you money; do you think I’m puddled? The last time I did that was after I’d grafted all day for a Roses century and one of our committee asked for some change to ring the England selectors. Bugger only told ‘em about the scrappy thirty odd Jackie Hampshire made at t’other end. He were always the blue-eyed boy, that one. Let me tell you….
(rant continues for some time)