• Harder to concentrate with stands full of octogenarian eye-candy
  • Mess up in the big match and it’ll be all over page 17 of Monday’s sports supplement
  • Argue with a Peter Willey decision and he’ll kick your arse
  • Old Trafford trophy room doesn’t seem quite so impressive
  • 1,200 twitter followers hanging on your every word
  • Eat whatever you want at Christmas! (and during the season if you room with Samit Patel)
  • GCSE in metalwork no longer compelling case for captaincy
  • ‘Team Spit Roast” just means the wicketkeeper’s hosting a barbeque
  • Priority #1: Learn how to count up to six
  • Yeah, I’m gunna guess Coleen’s not quite so forgiving if you’re on £45k a year