Seven point plan for India to recapture no.1 test status (initial thoughts):

  • Too many quality players emerging from county cricket. Need to schedule IPL during middle of English season to disrupt championship.*
  • Organise two match home series against weaker test nations (Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, Australia etc)
  • Purchase Davina McCall’s Hips, Bums and Tums workout DVD for senior players
  • Contact BBC Who do you think you are? team. Does Dale Steyn have Indian heritage? Liking the food is enough. That’s closer than Eoin Morgan is to being English.
  • Can we get ICC to ban use of the Duke ball? Wrong question. Should we? Wrong question. When can we?
  • Would Vivian Westwood all white pantaloons afford greater mobility to slip cordon? (Note: May need to remove Manic Street Preachers style slogans from gusset support panel. Arrange fitting whilst in London?)
  • Maintain block on Hawkeye. It’s far too inaccurate. The projected path of the ball goes nowhere near Dhoni’s gloves.

* Have double-checked. Seems ECB has already got this covered.

[Memo to self: Tidy up a couple of points then submit to BCCI costings board]