Was it before or after the Triassic period that Alastair Cook started batting?

Seems so long ago.

It’s a bugger when someone plays an innings like that. Going on and on. Day after day. Refusing to get out. Refusing to change tempo.

Doesn’t he realise the Indian players are busy guys? They’ve got personal appearances to make. Photo shoots to attend. Bollywood actresses to impress with the bulging bicep muscles they’ve built up whilst signing a hundred sponsorship deals.

They don’t have time to be running round after some trainee shepard with out of control eyebrows.

Still, we’ll need to investigate how mucking out a barn has prepared Cook at bat for over 12 hours. There’s got to be a link.

Not that it’s likely to be a skill transferable to the Indian set-up. Our lot have seen It shouldn’t happen to a vet. They know what goes on in lambing season. That’s not compatible with the ‘must be worn in public at all times’ clause of the Rolex contract. Because it doesn’t matter how many test runs you’ve scored, if you lost a top of the range model inside a sheep, well, that’s the kind of publicity a company can do without…


“The ancient sages said “do not despise the snake for having no horns, for who is to say it will not become a dragon?” So may one just man become an army.”

My pep talk to Varinder before we started our second innings. You could see the rousing effect it had on him; revealing once again the power of the spoken word, as well as confirming my suspicion he’d never heard Burt Kwok’s opening narration from The Water Margin.


FFS, Sehwag out for a king pair.

He’s going to sulk all the way through our hotel’s Agatha Christie night, now.