Strange moment of realisation as I glanced in bathroom mirror this morning.

Do I look a bit like Sandi Toksvig? Except taller, and less/more lesbian?

I’ll use google images this afternoon to do a comparison.


I don’t know how I can make this any clearer. If I agree to take the group for an outing into town it’s on the strict understanding that once we leave the bus behind we walk in an orderly crocodile formation. It’s the only chance I’ve got to stop people wandering off. Because I’m telling you, if we walk down a street that’s got mobile phone shops – and I can’t think of a street in England that doesn’t – our group starts thinning out like the Bataan Death March.

And why? Which of this lot needs a better payment tariff? They’re all bloody brand ambassadors for Vodaphone as it is. They’re not going to get a better deal on pay-as-you-go; and the reception’s no better.

So sorry, Rahul, you can stop moaning about your phone’s signal strength dropping away as soon as we got into the Bullring. There’s nothing I can do about it. Anyway, what does it matter if your mobile cuts out and you don’t get your weekly Greenpeace update until you’re back in the hotel? Exactly how urgent is it you get a text telling you how to give a Giant Panda CPR? Because I’d say the chances of you needing that particular life skill in the middle of Birmingham’s busiest shopping area are pretty bloody slim.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, how the hell do I know if the squad’s practice equipment is dolphin friendly? I’ve never seen one washed up onshore entangled in a luminous yellow training bib. Does that ease your mind?

1 2 3 4 5….need to calm down…6 7 8 9 10

Got to stop letting that guy get to me.


Had a look online. Not sure about that Sandi Toksvig thing now. Think I might have been thrown by her never smiling.