Why was everyone so surprised about the Ian Bell run out today? It’s been an accident waiting to happen ever since he made the England side. That boy’s so lackadaisical. He always leaves the toilet seat up as well; even when he’s done number twos. And that’s not pleasant when you’re touring the sub-continent, I can tell you.

So I gave a knowing nod of the head when he casually wandered out of his crease and off for tea. I know everyone’s obsessing over the “spirit of the game” right now, but really, after the way he just buggered off when he’d finished having his afternoon fun, the first thought that came into my head was ‘these are not the actions of a considerate lover’. Poor Chantal, I wonder how many times she’s seen him disappear into the toilet before she’s experienced “the umpire handing over her sweater”?

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I know it sounds like England were cheeky buggers for asking us to withdraw the appeal, especially considering the jelly bean kid’s antics from four years ago – Zak still gets freaked out when the hotel maid leaves a chocolate mint on his pillow, because of that. But to be honest, we’d already decided to ask the umpires to recall Belly. Like Dravid said, it just didn’t feel right; plus I think Dhoni sees it as his best shot at beating Sachin to a knighthood.

We didn’t really need Ian to perform the forfeit England suggested either. But they were insistent he stripped down to his underpants and sang “rhythm is a dancer” for us all.

Still, it seems to have raised the morale of everyone. That round of applause England gave the team as they walked out was both enthusiastic and spontaneous. Which is more than I can say for some of Ian’s dance moves. He seemed very self conscious about doing the sprinkler in his Spiderman briefs.

Man, that’s not a mental image I’ll shift quickly.

It’ll replace Shane Warne’s facelift in my nightmares…

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