Early morning security meeting following yesterday’s “humble pie” incident at Murdoch hearing.

Expected concern from BCCI representatives over treatment of corrupt foreign businessmen. Instead met with excitement over possibility of hiring ‘pieman’ to target Lalit Modi. Several options discussed. Settled on drive-by water balloon to groin. Have been asked to obtain estimates. Since when was sourcing corporate pranks within my purview?

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Worried bowlers are underprepared. Had them study video footage of English players. Watch & learn, boys. Observe their defence.

“Bowl in the right areas”

“First hour tomorrow will be critical”

“Spirit in camp is high”

Beautiful technique. All sound bites, no emotion. They give nothing away to interviewers. Talking endlessly, but not a single cliché free quote. It’s oral mulch. Weave that into a Pulitzer winning article, smart-arse.

That’s where the bar is set Indian. Incredibly low. By the end of this tour I’ll have you lazily clearing it with the minimum of effort. That’s my pledge to you.

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Final tactics session with players after dinner. Last chance to run game plan up flag pole of visualisation.

I underline importance of first day of Lords test. The prologue to the summer. Our chance to dictate series narrative. Sachin and Dravid nod in agreement. Sharma looks confused. Mishra has ice-cream headache from lemon sorbet.

Any questions?

“Is it true you can catch aquatic herpes from swimming with dolphins?”

Thank you, Munaf. If your bowling was as unpredictable as your contributions to these question and answer sessions, you’d be in the starting eleven.

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