Derby, England – There was further indication yesterday of the inroads football style management and increased player power have made into county cricket, after Derbyshire dramatically sacked head coach John Morris and his assistant Andy Brown mid-way through the team’s current championship match with Essex.
The shock move ends Morris’ 30 year association with the club, the past four years of which have been spent as Derbyshire’s head of cricket, a role he won after promising to make the unfashionable northern outfit “seem vaguely interesting”.
“We know we’re not a big club,” admitted a Derbyshire insider, “we don’t have the star players you find at a Test match ground, or even the glamour of a Leicestershire or a Northants. It’s just so hard to get the club coverage in the papers, particularly the tabloids. John promised to turn that situation around, but the results just haven’t been there to back up his rhetoric. In a way it’s ironic that his departure has made such headlines. Hang on, is that ironic? I’m not sure. I’ve been confused about the word’s exact meaning ever since people started making fun of the lyrics to that Alanis Morissette song.”
Whilst it was senior management who pulled the trigger it’s understood that it was the players themselves who provided the final nail for Morris’ mixed metaphor coffin.
“Something had to be done,” said a source in the dressing-room who asked to remain anonymous, “we need to be put on the map. Literally. Most makes of Sat-Nav have no idea where the County Ground is.”
“The players came up with ideas, but they kept being rejected,“ he added, “for example, we had plenty of volunteers willing to subject themselves to a page three girl kiss and tell, but John said you don’t get many glamour models in Blue Note on Sadler Gate and even if you did, their self-esteem wouldn’t be low enough for a quick bunk up in a Travelodge while Dan Redfern snored off a team trip to Nando’s in the next bed.”
“It was that negativity we had to get rid of. I know there’ve been suggestions in the press we planned to push him out of a moving team coach but it was decided very early on that it would be far more ruthless to do it mid-match.”
In related news, Glamorgan celebrated last night after completing a fortnight without a member of staff resigning.
“It’s a fantastic demonstration of everyone’s commitment to the club, as well as an indication of the current employment situation in Wales,” said committee member and former player, Colin Metson, “Normally we’ve a higher staff turnover than the Taliban.”