Jaipur, India – Tragedy struck a billion strong nation today, when an enraptured television audience enjoying the IPL clash between Mumbai Indians and Rajasthan Royals looked on in horror as national icon Sachin Tendulkar was momentarily inconvenienced by the glare from Shane Warne’s teeth.
“It was terrible“ said stadium spectator Amol Patel, a data mining expert from Bengaluru, “one moment he was taking note of the field, the next he was clearly affected by Warne’s dental abominations.” Fellow I.T. worker Deepak Verma was equally shocked, “I thought light could only be omitted outwards by Sachin himself; the calm, bathing light of truth and beauty you get from a higher state of consciousness and a really tight defensive technique. But this was something different, the kind of harsh blinding light you get from laser teeth whitening and it’s struck down the little master in his prime.”
Tendulkar himself seemed unconcerned, composing himself quickly and preparing for Warne’s next delivery. But by then the leg-spinner had already been removed from the attack by umpire Russell Tiffin and later by the IPL board from any chance of having his contract renewed.
At a post-match press conference Tendulkar continued to play down the issue. “I didn’t notice anything at all” claimed Mumbai’s finest, “I just stopped to swat away a fly.”
Warne himself was unavailable for comment but it’s understood he will retire after the current IPL season to spend time at a stud farm near Healsville, Victoria, where he’ll continue ‘covering’ divorcees, retired English actresses and emotionally venerable housewives.
Warne’s box will be humanely destroyed after his final game.