6th March 2011

When it comes to the cricket world cup, South Africa are the gift that keeps on giving. They seem to get some kind of perverse pleasure out of choking. It’s like they’re the Michael Hutchence of cricket. Unlike Michael Hutchence, who was the Michael Hutchence of God awful MOR rock.

Today we have righted the good ship England and floated her on a sea of incompetent South African middle order batting. Although let’s not give Graeme Smith a free pass after he played Swanny with all the elegance and flair of a man trying to masturbate with chop-sticks. Which is probably something else he has in common with Michael Hutchence.

To be fair Swanny was getting quite a lot of turn and even Yardy managed to get some deviation off the seam. Not much in his case admittedly; but it’s like they say, all you have to do is make a batsmen think the ball is spinning. And today the conditions played right into Mike’s hands with the intense heat and humidity leaving a number of the Saffer middle-order dehydrated to the point of hallucination. Although, to be honest, if they were starting to think Yardy was spinning the ball we should have probably pressed our luck and seen if we could convince them Colly was Shoaib Akhtar and that Jonathan Trott’s batting is interesting.

Still, we’ve proved a valuable point today. When it comes to cricket, it’s better to have four Saffers in your team then ten.

Quick point of order: We need to do something about Stuart, who’s still struggling to understand the UDRS system doesn’t work on a ‘one hand, one bounce’ basis. He wasted a perfectly good referral today when he didn’t agree with the guard he’d been given. Stupid boy.