4th March 2011

Management have finally calmed down. Andy Flower has apologised to our hotel concierge after the Ballykissangel DVD he launched out of his window on Thursday night was found clogging up the filter system of the kiddies outdoor paddling pool. Whilst Cap’n Ring-on-a-string was similarly contrite after his “botheration” outburst that took us all by surprise.

It seems that a fresh day has brought new perspective, as at this morning’s team meeting a much more upbeat assessment was laid out. England, it was pointed out, always play better as underdogs and that is what we will now remain for the rest of the tournament. In one stunning tactical manoeuvre we have positioned ourselves perfectly to capture the World Cup, and all by the simple act of completely destroying our own credibility.

It was at this point that a giant cross of St George unfurled behind Andy Flower emblazoned with the words “Mission Accomplished”.

As I watched my teammates stand to applaud, tears welling up in their eyes as they did so, I had cause to reflect once again that when on tour with Team England I’m very much marching to the beat of a different drum…