19th February 2011

The World Cup is finally under way and we’re in that golden period between the high of the opening ceremony and the gradual realisation that Ravi Shastri’s going to commentate on all 567 games.

The squad gathered round our hotel’s giant plasma screen this evening to watch an opening match dominated by Sehwag running out Tendulkar before going on to score 175. It makes you wonder how far into his innings he got before the crowds back in Mumbai decided to stamp out his burning effigy.

Still, at least management got to have a good look at the amateurish way he broke the concentration needed for sound defence by continuingly hitting over the infield. You’ll not see our batsmen encouraged to piss about like that. We’re going to win this with quick singles. Not because it’s the easy way; because it’s the hard way. When we leave the field Andy Flower wants to see us covered in sweat. Which partly explains why Alistair Cook has been left at home. You can’t have some perspiration-free weirdo swanning about like he’s not even trying. Ruins the team aesthetic.

Plus of course, if one of the batsmen breaks down we want to be able to call up Alistair then the next day announce Eoin is fully fit. I know it’s the World Cup, but if you can’t pull that one, you’ve got no sense of humour.