15th January 2011

If you think Britain’s press are fickle, you should see what they’re like down under. Months of praise for how we’ve approached this tour, then one defeat and it’s “England’s Reign of Terror ends!”

Erm, excuse me. Reign of terror? Cap’n Ring-on-a-string isn’t exactly Genghis Khan leading the Asiatic hordes sweeping across the steppes. The guy’s still reeling from paying the equivalent of £83 for a cravat from Tie Rack yesterday morning.

Relax, Australia. Your priceless cultural artefacts are safe. Cancel extra security on the set of Home and Away. Bring Yahoo Serious out of hiding. England aren’t Visigoths standing before the seven hills. We just want to play cricket, and, exchange rate permitting, accessorize.

That’s why much of the morning was occupied with the fallout from yesterday’s game. Management led us in one of those “frank and fearless, open and honest” match post-mortems that always terrify sportsmen into desperately trying to cover up their own shortcomings.

The general consensus was that we have two basic problems to address: How did our batting fall away so dramatically, and which of the bowlers should be dropped to stop it happening again?

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, clearly a seam bowler himself: So it goes.

I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for the Sussex cannonball. He’s been taking a fair bit of stick ever since Mark Nicholas’ commentary described yesterday’s 18 off 12 balls as “the greatest day of Luke Wright’s life!” Some of the squad need to grow up and understand Mark wasn’t taking the piss, that’s just his normal level of hyperbole. For God sake, in the same game he described Steve Smith as the new Gary Sobers.

Ok. He might have been taking the piss that time.

Anywho, it’s time to don the Viking helmets and man the longboats. Prompted by the press coverage, management have decided we need to recapture our early tour atmosphere by ramping up the rampage and renewing the chevauchée. So far they’ve located the nearest outlet of Body Shop and are planning a full body wrap session by the hotel pool.

Hear that, Australia. We’re going to exfoliate ourselves until you’re back in the Dark Ages again.

God give me strength…