14th January 2011

It’s hard to begrudge Australia their moment. Let’s be honest, they needed that win. Going this long without Russell Crowe punching a hotel receptionist had left them emasculated as a country. Now it’s as if they’ve been re-born as a nation and this time it doesn’t involve disease ridden British sailors desperate for a crap on dry land.

England shouldn’t worry too much about the defeat either, and now’s not the time to point fingers. Even if it is all the fault of Graeme Swann.

Actually that’s not fair. Part of the blame lies with Ajmal. You see, it’s not easy being on tour with Graeme for this long. There are only so many Christmas cracker jokes you can pretend to laugh at, only so many times you can hear his ‘the Farm’s bass player threw up on me once’ anecdote, without wanting to jump under the heavy roller.

It was Ajmal who came up with the solution. Just mentally replace Swanny’s voice with a soundtrack of cats meowing the melody to Bridge Over Troubled Water. Not sure where he got the idea; might have been an old Bollywood film plot I suppose.

But anyway; it works. It completely blocks out the Britpop bonhomie.

We all use it now.

So when the camera pans to Graeme and KP in the England dug-out, seemingly deep in conversation, they’re not really. Swanny will be all “Liam looks great in a Parka, doesn’t he?” but all KP will be hearing is, “Meow meow bridge meow-meow meow-meow water. I will meow meow down”.

Stupid, yes. But simple and effective too.

Unfortunately it doesn’t half get in the way at the team tactics meeting if Swanny tries to talk over the coaches. Which he always does. So nobody had a clue what to do in the field today. All Colly could remember about our game plan was “Meow meow Silver girl, meow meow by.” How do you cut off Shane Watson’s scoring areas with that? Seriously, you try setting a decent field for the powerplay overs with your mind dominated by the image of a slightly distressed Siamese perching on Art Garfunkel’s head.

I’m not sure what we’ll do for the upcoming ODI’s now. The only suggestion so far is to change Bridge Over Troubled Water for No Woman, No Cry.

Mmmm, let me see…

‘Meow woman, no meow. Meow meow-meow no cry’

Nah, if anything that’s worse.

I can’t believe Yardy suggested it. Does he think Team England are idiots?