6th January 2011

Today has been a dark day for English cricket.

We have let ourselves down. We have let the nation down. More importantly, we have let the Barmy Army down – many of whom have travelled thousands of miles to avoid the smell of working-class people during the winter.

Our performance today was abject. Claiming an extra half hour then failing to take a wicket is just embarrassing. Steven Smith wasn’t even trying to bat like an international player. For God’s sake, I’ve seen more convincing footwork on a cow after it’s been electronically stunned in an abattoir.

Unfortunately Colly has to take a lot of the blame. During the tea-break he was the one who found that YouTube mash-up of Shane Watson run-outs set to the Benny Hill show Yakety Sax music. You try bowling straight while still laughing about that.

At least I had chance to make a few runs in the morning. The trick against the current Australian side, if you get bogged down, is to push the ball in the direction of Michael Beer then set off for a leisurely single. You’ll have plenty of time; the guy’s got the mobility of a bulldozer dragging a skip. I doubt a spinner’s moved so slowly since Shane Warne found out his wife was waiting at home with an itemised mobile phone bill.

Well, at least the end’s almost upon us now. Looking back over the series, I wonder whatever happened to Marcus North and Xavier Doherty? Have they been humanely destroyed? Does anyone know? Does anyone even remember them? Not the Australian selectors, obviously; I mean people who actually follow cricket.

Perhaps we’ll never know…