3rd January 2011

In the ancient words of Norse legend, Odin will be reet chuffed with me today. Because, arm over, gully waiting, the Australian captain’s in the bag and so is the sweep money for nabbing him whilst bowling cross-eyed. That means tonight’s Kung Pao chicken and chips was paid for by the rest of the attack courtesy of Vodaphone brand ambassador, and part time cricketer, Michael Clarke’s vulnerability to any ball within his reach. Poor bugger, he seems to be trapped in an Escher lithograph of his own incompetence. Although at least he tried a change of tack today, serving up twenty-five minutes of piping-hot inertia before having to do the sad-eyed walk back to the pavilion.

Actually all their batsmen tried to be patient before getting out to poor shot selection. That’s the weird thing about this series; even when Australia are batting at a tortuous pace they look like playing an idiotic shot at any moment, whereas our top three have been scoring at a pretty healthy rate but radiate as much charisma as a lecture on German accountancy standards.

Anyway, it seems that if we win this match England gain an extra two points in the ICC Test rankings. As you can imagine, we’re all mondo stoked about that. I’m not sure I’ll get much sleep tonight. It’s all our Christmas wishes come true. Well, the Christmas wishes of the duller, unimaginative members of the tour party. Which, as I’ve already hinted, is a sizable chunk.

Still, two more ranking points. Yey, us.