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31st December 2010


Kevin Pietersen has selflessly taken credit for the Ashes triumph. It’s a secret he’s been keeping for too long. It must have been eating him up inside, like a tapeworm or an embarrassing love of Mötley Crüe.

Why did he keep this from us for so long? There was no mention of it on any of the official KP merchandise he gave out as Christmas presents. My ‘Kev & Jess 4 Eva’ place mats make absolutely no mention. You’ve got to admire modesty like that.

It makes you wonder what else he’s been keeping quiet. Were the Chilean miners saved from insanity by discussing his switch hit? Was global financial meltdown averted when he banked a postal order? Did his childhood love of liquorice wheels end apartheid?

You see, most people thought the main consequence of KP effectively ending Peter Moore’s tenure with England was that Moore moved on to coaching Lancashire, in the process playing county cricket’s greatest ever practical joke – telling Tom Smith he’s an opening batsman.

But those people are short sighted. They don’t play the long game like Kevin. Mark my words, when the global energy crisis is finally ended in a couple of years time, it’ll be thanks to KP celebrating the 2005 ashes win by sharing a shower with Caprice.

Who’ll have the last laugh then?

Not Caprice, she’ll be about 78 and starting to lose her marbles.

But Kevin will.

Thanks, Kev, you’ve saved us all again.