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Writing21st December 2010

It seems there is a growing groundswell of opinion that yours truly should play in the fourth test at Melbourne. Not by anybody that matters unfortunately, just the English press pack, most of whom are more likely to grow a second penis made of solid gold than accurately predict anything that happens in this ashes series.

Andy Flower meanwhile, continues to punish AJ and myself for our part in the Perth humiliation. Or at least that’s what we thought was happening this morning until it became apparent the ten mile road run Goochie had taken us on was only intended to be a gentle pre-breakfast jog until a strong gust of wind undermined the integrity of his toupee adhesive and carried his unit onto the bumper of a passing shuttle bus to St Kilda. You know, it’s amazing the turn of speed Graham’s got when he’s motivated, although I doubt the good people of St Kilda have seen a cricketer sweat so much since Shane Warne’s wife found his Hooters loyalty card.

Back with Team England for an intense afternoon session in the nets; which for the bowlers meant another heavy workload under the baking hot sun, whilst the batsmen were still in full-on sulking mode after the team copy of LineDancer Pro for the Nintendo Wii was confiscated. The game has become a bit of a tour favourite since Jimmy brought it back with him from home, but unfortunately it didn’t go unnoticed at Perth that Jonathon Trott’s trigger movement is now a ¼ Monterey turn, or that Collingwood performed a right vine with pivot before hacking the ball to third slip at the end of day four.

It’s fair to say management are more than a little concerned that most of the team can now no longer perform even the most basic forward defensive prod without someone calling it out over the stadium tannoy first.  Andy Flower might have thought he’d covered all possibilities in the run up to this tour but his lack of choreography experience is now being exposed for everyone to see.

I bet Boycott crucifies him in the press; after all, Geoff didn’t spend all those summer evenings with the Barnsley coaches practising his Échappé to watch this turn of events.