19th December 2010
They say overconfidence can be your downfall. They’re not pigging wrong. Management are currently in panic mode after they dismissively deleted the “Heavy Defeat” folder from the team laptop following our innings victory at Adelaide. Now, years of painfully collected knowledge on how to recover from humiliating routs have been erased, leaving our coach without the damp rag of recorded experience to help wipe away the brown smelly stain of our Perth performance.
Thought was given to taking the machine in for data recovery at the Australian equivalent of Computer World, but given the squad have used it for six weeks of lonely, late night Googling, there’s no way we can run the risk of our browsing history ending up on Wikileaks. It’s not so much repeated visits to jumblywhoppers.com or nostrilsex.co.uk that’d be embarrassing as the sheer volume of abusive comments we’ve left on Matthew Hayden YouTube videos. Harbhajan Singh would think we needed to lay off the guy.
So with electronic data wiped, all we had left were paper notes from the 1990’s, and to be honest, Atherton’s thoughts didn’t turn out to be particularly helpful. It’s hard to see how we turn things around for Melbourne based on a list of good restaurants in the Cape Town area and an abusive limerick about county cricket. Although even that was an improvement on Nasser Hussain’s contribution, a single sheet of paper bearing the message, “Never trust Andy Caddick”.
The air of despondency continued into our live broadcast back to England for the Sports Personality of the Year awards, which, as usual, were being held directly after Team England had put in a complete horses arse of a performance. The only real enthusiasm any of us could muster being the scramble for back row seats. Somewhere safe you could hide as the events at Perth were shown on VT whilst the camera slowly panned across the solemn faces of the front row.
An especially solemn face on Swanny of course, who failed to place after his best year ever. How annoying when a dart player came second. I mean if it had of been Murili you could have understood.