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24th November 2010

Eve of battle. First chance to take our positions. Pitch inspected. Outfield approved. Dressing room claimed. From the balcony, Gabba framed perfectly, like a panoramic Kurosawa wide shot.

Anderson savouring conditions. Talking fondly of the new ball. God, he’s so mainstream. With cricket balls, like clothes, you’ve got to go vintage. I won’t touch a Kookaburra until it’s as distressed as a retro leather waistcoat. The new ball is so ‘M&S crease resistant action slacks’ it’s nauseating. If you want to be on the zeitgeist, you’ve got to take your wickets with an old, reversing cherry. That’s why Wasim and Waqar were so ahead of their time. So rock and roll. Shoaib too; although in his case it’s more to do with him contracting genital warts on tour…

Ian Bell still recovering from yesterday’s golf course magpie attack. Don’t laugh, to someone Ian’s size it must have felt like being strafed by a pterodactyl. Thank goodness his ear stud is only “diamonesque”. That’s probably the only thing that saved him being carried off. Not even a magpie wants to be seen with something made out of that.

Andy Flower writes team motivational motto on wall. “Composure. Ambition. Resilience. Preparation. CARP”. I know. I’ve tried explaining anagrams to him. Still, there’s a fairly good chance the Australian media won’t notice. We had Goochie at a press conference the other day in front of a “Workrate Initiates Greatness” sign; nobody batted an eyelid.

Oh well, to bed. Those drinks won’t carry themselves to the middle tomorrow morning.