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13th November 2010

Matt Prior is part of the tour. Keep forgetting that. Then, every now and again, up it pops. A little bald head in the hotel pool during morning dip. And then I’m all, oh yeah, him.

Andy Flower’s Native American sweat lodge continues to dominate dressing room. Layer of thick brown smoke hovers above us. Not sure I feel “relaxed and incentivised” by this. The authentic Beaver pelts look suspiciously like hacked up pieces of duffle coat. Can’t believe he packed all this but forget a third opening batsman.

Weird looking guy at dining table turns out to be team chiropractors’ official photographer. Tour party too unwieldy? Will ask assistant hair stylist for his opinion.

Need to get out of hotel. Nights in getting to us all. Bored of poker. Nothing on TV. Sick of Monty’s rendition of the Catalina Magdalena Hoopensteiner Wallendiner song. The sight of his hairy legs in lederhosen will haunt all our dreams. We shall wake up covered in sweat to the imaginary sound of his bottom being smacked.

I wonder if the Bodyline tour was like this. Did Douglas Jardine impersonate Mr Bojangles behind closed doors?

Imagine the telegram complaining about that…