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5th November 2010

Awake from blissful slumber. Grapefruit and croissants overlooking Swann River. Colour me content. But what’s this in the Australian sports pages? McGrath predicts 5-0? Oh Glenn, you couldn’t predict a Shane Warne erection at a wet t-shirt contest.

To the match! It starts here. The hard work. The intensity. The test of a lifetimes training.

Broad and Anderson open. Wickets fall. Tension mounts. Sinews tighten. Hearts race. A signal is given. My moment has come. Hold fast young hotspurs! Your Gatorade is on its way!

Job done. Sit with coaches. Aim for perfection they say. Giotto could draw an exact circle by hand, I point out. Shahzad is impressed. You’re right, Ajmal, he would’ve been great at designing pimped-out rims.

Afternoon passes. North is dismissed. A future Australian captain some are suggesting. Please. North is struggling with form, journalists with reality. An iceberg blocks your path, Australia, too late to promote the lookout.

Western Australia declare. Strauss is thrown. Checks Wisden. Yes, it’s allowed, but why do it? Alistair Cook B Maggoffin 5, that’s why. Strauss remains unconvinced. Insists you should declare half an hour before end of match, not end of session.

Get ready Australia, our conservatism will empty our stadiums quicker than another Ashes defeat.